praning
My heart was shattered that night. It was the most painful feeling ever and the rain somewhat connected with me and it began to pour harder and heavier. Before that, I had the most memorable conversation with toks. It was our closing arguement. Predicted and as usual, I became the loser. I failed. Toks doesn’t want me back. I’m not convincing enough. I don’t want to sound like i was trying too hard. But i was sincerely serious. I’m dying to prove that i overcame my old immature self and how sorry i am that it took a lot of time to realize. I hate that i wasted time. OUR time. Toks was quiet and looks tired of listening. so i stopped. USELESS EFFORT. tough luck.
That must been the lonliest time I had. Paying last words to the love of your life and knowing that you won’t see each other the same as before. toks was listening that moment. Toks shrugged, looked and hugged me then walked away. No second look. Goodbye. i said, that was it.
Earlier that day was no less different, probably much difficult because i felt myself close to insanity. two consecutive nights and one day without proper bathe,meal,sleep and state of mind to get to work. Disaster. It wasn’t me. I don’t know who that person was.
How do I get myself into shit like that?
For the first time in my simple, complaint-less and cheapskate life, I was a mess. big time. Nobody to blame for my unhappiness. I got myself into my own shit. Nobody to blame but me.
Now picture me with a sad smile. yikes. overly pathetic.
How many wake up calls from people did i receive? i answered and hung up then got back to sleep. hello stupid.. Louder. HELLO? Still nothing. Nothing.
i heard the loudest and defening one after that night. And it came from no one else but myself. i can hear myself saying, change-for-yourself. What’s with those fights. What’s with those pain. What’s with you and why can’t you change? If you dont want to take SHIT then discipline yourself. Everything else will follow. Think of toks. Think if you could imagine your life without toks. Toks is tired and so are you.
It kills me to let toks go.
Finally, i am awake. And this time i really want to. With high hopes.
